Surviving the Shipwreck of Divorce

HOPE: When Happily Ever After Fails

2011-03-08T11:02:00.000-08:00

As Divorce Recovery life coaches, we work with healthy Christians, who have come through the trials and tribulation of divorce. Through our work with divorced persons, we find that Christians experience many forms of hurt that non-Christians do not experience, when they go through a divorce. Some Christians refuse to accept or associate with their divorcing friends, almost out of a fear that if they are around the divorcing Christians, that their marriage will fail too, as if they could catch 'divorce' like you get the flu or a virus from someone else.
Some divorced Christians are ostracized by their church and prevented from participating in leadership roles, even when the break-up of their marriage clearly was beyond their control to prevent, and even when the leadership role had no connection to marital issues.
We raise these topics in order to bring an awareness of the grief and loss which many Christians experience when divorcing. We also raise these issues, to remind ourselves that there is no one among us, who is without sin of some kind, and that it is not for us to judge and condemn, but to acknowledge the sin, while loving the sinner, and those who have fallen short in their relationship.

For those of you who are attempting to put your life together after experiencing the shipwreck of divorce, we want you to know that we have found that the biggest and most dificult isssues we encounter with Christians, who are participating in divorce recovery coaching, revolve around forgiveness and surrender. We raise these issues to let you know that you are not alone and to offer up a discussion on these topics in an attempt to bring you to the point where you can seek forgiveness and surrender. Our goal is for you to move forward in your life as an effective Christian, not as someone, who is forever labeled by the divorce and thereafter, unable to serve God as He intends.

So what can we do to reach a point of contentment and peace, now that what is done can not be undone? To be made whole and survive a divorce, we know that we have to seek God's forgiveness for any wrong doing on our part. We have to own up to our sin in the relationship. We know that Jesus talked about divorce as a human failing and a human reality 'from the time of Moses.' In every failed marriage, there is some degree of fault and failing on both sides.

We also have to forgive the former spouse. We have to forgive them for their wrong doing and shortcomings. We have to forgive them for being unwilling to listen to God's desire that they fight to be a part of a healthy marriage. We have to forgive them for being unwilling to make changes in their behavior, or to listen to the wisdom of counselors and pastors. We have to forgive them for the pain and suffering they have caused us and our children.

We have to forgive our church family and Christian friends, who may have self righteously informed us that divorce is 'not scriptural' and who have told us that if our Christian walk were 'right', that we would not be going through this problem. We have to forgive those who have told us that we have not prayed hard enough, or that our motives are not pure.

We also have to seek forgiveness from God and surrender any anger we feel toward Him. Anger that He didn't answer our repeated heartfelt prayers, when we cried out to Him to save our marriage. Anger which may come from the fact that although we were willing to do anything to save our relationship, that it was not meant to be, and that God allowed our marriage to fail.

We have to seek God's forgiveness and peace in our circumstances because although we know that it takes two persons working extremely hard to make a marriage work, and although we know that we are not 100% in control of the situation, or our spouse, God does not condone divorce. We are not easily comforted by the mere knowledge that God can see us through this trial in our lives, when our hearts are broken, and the lives of our children forever changed. While God understands our anger at our circumstances, it is never appropriate for us to blame God for our circumstances. God allows us and our spouse, free will to make decisions, and these decisions have consequences. When we are devastated by the loss of our relationship, so is God; as He desires only that which is good in our lives. Failure to address our anger and seek forgiveness, will always be an insurmountable obstacle to our being able to have an intimate relationship with God. We can't delay in getting this issue resolved; it is too important.

Sometimes our grief and loss is so significant, that we need the encouragement and direction of a person who is detached from the situation, and who is trained to give us a proper perspective on the after effects of our divorce. In those instances, a Christian divorce recovery life coach, can help us seek forgiveness and surrender so that we can have hope. After all, when we seek forgiveness, there is hope. Hope that God will protect our children and (over time), give them an understanding and acceptance of things that they could not change. Hope that we are truly forgiven. Hope that we can use this experience as a wounded healer, to assist others who are grieving the loss of a relationship to divorce. Hope that God still has a plan for our lives. Hope that in this new season of our lives, as a divorced Christian, we can still honor God and look to Him as the source of all of the blessings we will experience for the rest of our lives. Hope that God can take all the things in our lives, even our divorce, and still find a way to make good come from it.

Do you still have feelings of anger, or issues for which you need to seek forgiveness or surrender? If so, contact a Christian divorce recovery life coach, who can walk alongside you, as you work though these issues so that God can use you in this new season in your life.

Surviving the Holidays-Divorced

2010-12-08T14:27:00.000-08:00

So it's the holidays and you find yourself newly separated or divorced. All the commercials show happy family scenes and fabulous purchases from the jewelry store. For a split second, you wonder if you would be better off re-united with that former spouse! But for a number of reasons, that isn't possible, so now what?

It's time to have a plan. It will be important not to sit home alone from Thanksgiving through the New Year and have a major pity party. It's just not healthy. Likewise, you will be exhausted if you feel you have to accept EVERY invitation between now and 2012!

So strike a balance with a plan. What old traditions, parties, and invitations are meaningful or necessary? Which ones need to be abandoned? What new tradition, during this new season in your life as a separated or divorced person, would bring you hope, refreshment, and happiness? What is something you have always wanted to do? Devise a plan and make it a reality in your life. Embrace the fact that while you life will be different, it doesn't have to be bad, in fact, over time, it will become better as you adapt to the changes this life event brings you.

It will also be important to locate a divorce recovery coach, friend, or pastor with whom you can share your thoughts and feelings. Its okay to be happy and sad during this time as you think about holidays and traditions in the past. Find another person who is willing to listen as you share your hopes, plans, and dreams for the future. Write us and tell us your plans to make this holiday special.

2010-11-30T14:32:00.000-08:00

I was driving, listening to The book of Matthew being read from The Message, when I suddenly had a new vision of marriage and divorce recovery. The verse referred to God's perfect plan for marriage as a great artist's creation. The initial vision that came into my mind, was one of a large white marble sculpture of a man and woman in a loving embrace. This initial vision, seen in the sobering context of divorce; was of this masterpiece (the original perfect plan for marriage), designed by the greatest artist of all time, our Creator, when placed in human hands; being slowly chipped away at by stresses and strains on the marriage until it was destroyed. As you look back on your marriage, what were the major factors that chipped away at God's perfect plan for you and your spouse? Identifying these factors is the first step toward an understanding which can lead to divorce recovery and forgiveness of any remaining bitterness you may be experiencing. Let us know your thoughts.

Divorce Recovery Conference

2010-11-02T13:52:00.000-07:00

We were asked the other day, Who should attend this conference and what are the learning objectives for the divorce template training portion of the conference in March 2011? This conference is designed for parish nurses, Stephen's Ministers, pastors, Christian life coaches, and counselors. The Divorce template training objectives are to equip Christian lay persons and professionals by training them how to use the Divorce computer template which serves as the framework for assisting a person who has experienced a divorce, in their divorce recovery. The template is designed to be facilitated in one hour sessions or in a "day away" personal retreat guided by a trained facilitator. This Discipleship Process (SM) is optimistic, and helps persons move forward into a new season in their life now that their marriage has ended.